Prawn sarnies can't bat, bowl
By Ed Paleit
Played at London Fields
35-over game. London Fields won toss.
Debuts: Toby Cox, Robert Press, Peter Henry.
Victory! This is what Old Fallopians’ opponents London Fields were
able to boast about on Sunday. Establishing a challenging target of
253, they bowled us out for 84, ensuring a wretched and perhaps
record-breaking margin of 168 runs.
Fields won the toss and gleefully chose to bat. Fallopians reduced
them to 86 for 6 at one point, but then captain and no.8 Hickey came
in. He exploited the short leg-side boundaries to a left-hander to
record a blistering 96 before wacking a full-toss straight up in the
air, to his own evident disgust.
Paleit managed to drop him the previous ball but he didn’t
deserve to perish short of his hundred.
Other batsmen contributed here and there, but the other mainstay of
Fields’ innings was Mr. Extras, who made a polished 56 including 34
in no-balls, most of which went over the batsmen’s heads straight
into clouds of shame and embarrasment.
Amongst the carnage there were promising spells from Henry, on
debut, and Clarke, although Hickey spoiled both their figures
towards the end.
The only truly quality performance was John Shaw’s, who recorded
a contextually unbelievable one for eighteen off seven overs, ending
with a maiden. For the record, that means John went for 2.6 an over,
and the rest of us for 8.4.
In reply Fallopians failed to grasp the pitch’s abysmally low bounce
and succumbed to a spate of bowleds and lbws. Five ducks were racked
up. Press, another debutant, managed a defiant 32 before running
himself out in a mix-up with Hemelryk.
Roy attempted a face-saving late retort but at last his swiping
ended like Hickey’s, for quite a lot fewer runs – and with that the
match concluded. We lasted eighteen overs.
Losing this way stinks, gentlemen, it stinks.
There were mitigating factors, of course. The pitch became
virtually bounceless during our innings, something accentuated by
Fields’s decision to use only one ball for the whole match.
And Shaw apart, our bowling lacked any sort of line and length
after so many weeks laid off, whereas Fields play on Saturdays too –
and had done even during the recent stormy weather. They were a
better grooved side, but personally I doubt that their talent, in
aggregate, outweighed ours – certainly not by 170-odd runs.
The real reason for our defeat was simply that we bowled, batted
and fielded like last month’s prawn sandwiches. Peter Moores would
say that we have ‘put a platform under our performances this
season’. You do not need to be Alistair Campbell to understand what
this really means.
Thanks again for playing (and Peter Frisby for presiding over a
calamity).
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